Why Won’t the Algorithm Love Me? The Struggle of an Influencer Wannabe

It’s 2024, and I can’t figure out how to get even one measly check from YouTube, my website, or social media. I’m not asking to become the next Mr. Beast or the King of Instagram. I just want to receive that sweet, sweet email saying, “Your YouTube earnings for this month are $25.” That’s it. One check. But apparently, I’m asking for too much.

I’ve tried everything. Well, almost everything. Here’s the deal: I don’t chase clout. No embarrassing public meltdowns, no “spontaneous” encounters with celebrities (who totally aren’t paid to be there), and no random challenges where I humiliate myself for likes. I do talk about trending topics, though. Oh, I’ve got the keywords, the hashtags, the hot takes. But somehow, the algorithm still acts like my content is in witness protection.

Let me break it down for you:

1. The Clout Chasers – They’ll do anything for a view. Fake beef, clickbait titles, and exaggerated facial expressions in every thumbnail. You know the ones. They’re the same folks who post a 12-minute video titled “I ALMOST DIED” when they barely got a paper cut. Do I do that? Nope. Should I? Maybe.
2. The Celebrity Name-Droppers – Okay, I won’t lie, I’ve met a few famous people. But I don’t name-drop them like I’m collecting Infinity Stones. That’s where I messed up, apparently. People want the juicy details: “Tell us what Billie Eilish smells like!” or “What did you and Jason Momoa talk about in the bathroom line at Comic-Con?” Sorry, not my style.
3. The Reaction Kings and Queens – These guys watch a TV show and immediately post a reaction video. The only time they pause the video is to scream, gasp, or cry for added drama. I’ve done TV show reviews. I’ve even posted them RIGHT AFTER the episode aired. Guess what? Crickets. No one cares about my sophisticated analysis of why “The Bachelor” is a study in modern psychology. They want to see me lose my mind over who got the rose.
4. The Dancers – If I was willing to do some awkward dance moves to the latest trending TikTok song, maybe I’d get some attention. But I won’t. Why? Because I’m a grown adult with dignity. I guess dignity doesn’t pay.
5. The Life Hack Gurus – Apparently, people love being told how to live their lives by someone who’s barely functioning. If I made a video about how I fold my laundry or eat ramen 17 different ways, I’d probably be halfway to my first check. But here’s the catch: I fold laundry like a normal person and eat ramen the same way everyone else does—by microwaving it and slurping while I contemplate my life choices.

So, what’s the secret sauce? How do you get the algorithm to notice you without selling your soul to the gods of clickbait? Because I’m out here trying to keep it real, while everyone else is out here playing in 4D clown chess.

Maybe I should embrace the absurd. Post a video where I stare at a wall for 10 hours and call it “Relaxing ASMR” or start vlogging my daily life but only include shots of me sitting silently in a chair thinking about what it would be like to get one, just ONE, monetization check.

At this point, I’d settle for a “You made $0.47 this month!” email. That would be enough validation to keep going. But no. Instead, I’m over here asking the void what it takes to get even a smidgen of attention online.

Is it too much to ask? One check. Just one. C’mon, YouTube, toss me a bone. Social media, throw me a like. Website traffic, give me… well, literally anything at this point. Just tell me what I have to do because apparently being reasonable and relevant just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Until then, I’ll be here. Refreshing my analytics.