The Port Strike is Over, but the Toilet Paper Panic? Oh, That’s Just Getting Started

Well, folks, the great 2024 Port Strike is finally over, and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief—or can they? Despite the fact that the strike primarily delayed electronics, imported fruits, alcohol, and toys (y’know, the stuff you can’t live without), some people decided it was the perfect time to panic-buy all the toilet paper in existence. Because nothing screams “international labor dispute” like hoarding enough toilet paper to outlast the apocalypse.

So, what actually happened? Dockworkers on the East and Gulf coasts finally came to a tentative deal with port operators, but during the strike, social media had its fun fueling fears that we’d run out of TP and paper towels. Never mind that these products are made locally and are as affected by the strike as your daily horoscope. But hey, why let reality get in the way of a good old-fashioned buying frenzy?

1. Embrace the Madness: Sure, the port strike had nothing to do with toilet paper, but who cares about facts when you can participate in herd mentality? Stockpile those rolls, even if they’re not in danger. You’ll feel important, like you know something others don’t.
2. Switch to Commercial-Grade: If the premium soft stuff goes missing (because your neighbor bought 200 rolls), you might have to downgrade to that sandpaper-like commercial-grade toilet paper. It’s rough, sure, but think of it as building character.
3. Get Creative with Leftovers: No TP? No problem. Use some of those old t-shirts or newspapers. You didn’t need them anyway, right?
4. Hoard the Actual Essentials: Imported clothing and fresh fruits might be in short supply, so while everyone else is stockpiling toilet paper, you could be the genius hoarding fruit-of-the-loom and bananas. Now you’re the real survivor in this tale of woe.
5. Sell Your Stockpile for Profit: Once the strike passes and toilet paper is plentiful again, set up a little black-market operation. “Ultra-soft rolls, just $5 a sheet! Limited stock!” Nothing beats that entrepreneurial spirit.
6. Laugh at the Inevitable Social Media Meltdown: There’s something uniquely hilarious about watching people panic over the wrong things. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Maybe even start a rumor about a looming shortage of dish soap just for kicks.

While the port strike may have ended, our collective need to freak out over things that weren’t even affected lives on. The only thing that spreads faster than a virus is the fear of running out of toilet paper. So next time there’s any hiccup in the supply chain, remember to stay calm—and let everyone else do the panicking for you.